Sometimes i get the feeling that I have no friend at all. My best friend betrayed me and she was the only one i had (besides my family).

I’m still too afraid to step on the scale. I’m doing workouts several times per week.
I hope i will keep up the good work.


Some people on this planet are just so STUPID. Why?!
Because some of  them dont want to get hurt but they don’t care if they say something that could hurt you.
For example:
I don’t eat anything at school. ‘Cause i just don’t need to. Of course i’m having a big breakfast to have energy.
– and because of that i have to listen to stupid comments like: wanna eat? Or she doesn’t even know what food is.

That is , in my opinion, just stupid and rude.


i remembered something that a friend said to me, some years ago.

it was the time when i was very depressed.

she said to me: ” no boy wants a girl, who is depressed. You’re destroying everybodys mood with your behaviors. ”

That’s not what you should say to a depressed girl.


today, i had my first P.E lesson in this year. And suddenly some girl, me included, started a conversation about being thin and stuff like that. THEN all of a sudden, one girl said, that my upper body is skinny and , read carefully, the rest (like thights, hips, butt) is NORMAL. WHAT IS NORMAL!?!?!

is that a nice way, to say : you’ve got big thighs, hips and butt ?!

you can say voluptuous, curvy or slightly voluminous, but NOT NORMAL.

and the girl who said that, was overweight, so maybe she sees her own bodyshape as normal and that would mean: i’m looking like a overweight girl, with a skinny upper body.

And that is not what i want to be.


Why do i want to be skinny? I’m asking me that question everytime and i have a lot of answers for that.

1. i want to be petite ( i never was…)

2. i want to be the “skinny one”

3. i want ot get attention

it’s interesting how every answers starts with “i want to”.

It seems like i’m a selfish b*tch.

Long time no see…

I have not been writing something on this blog for month and i’m sorry for that, but i had to deal with some serious issues. Including my weight loss and my diet. Right now i’m doing a diet.  I’m still afraid of gaining weight and losing control, but i want to get healthy right after i finish my diet. Including daily workout and healthy eating.

Honestly, i don’t really care if anybody reads this. I’m basically doing this for myself, as an anonymus diary where nobody knows who i am.

I don’t know what i weigh and i don’t wanna know either.

My weight affected the way i ate and what i did in the past. But i just want to focus on my body image and what i see in the mirror.  And i’m still not satisfied with what i see in the mirror.


Just in case someone do not know this:

if someone is fighting against they’re eating disorder the don’t want to f*’king hear about the other goddamn girls who lost weight. every day you try to focus on getting healthy but then some stupid little girl who doesn’t know nothing about the real world comes around and is starting to talk about how thin the other girls are and how well they’re diet is going and about your own diet. you just want to fu#*ing hit them in the face.

but then they’ll start talking about boy….how cute they are and for someone who is extremely shy and who has got social anxiety, so the chance of getting a boyfriend is equal to zero, it’s annoying.

and in these kind of situation i’m asking myself: A best friend should notice that, right?

Or am I wrong?